1. You'd have too much money otherwise. 2. You feel that having more wrinkles makes you more distinguished. 3. No need for aftershave or perfume as no one will smell it over the all-pervasive odour of smoke. 4. You have no sense of taste or smell so you have no need to eat gourmet food. 5. You get plenty of exercise running outside and braving the elements for quick smoke breaks at work. 6. Smoking makes you sexy, right? 7. And what's more you look your best in dimly lit, smoke-filled rooms. 8. Your constant coughing helps friends and loved ones find you easily in a crowd. 9. If you get lost in the wilderness you won't have to rub sticks together to start a fire because you'll be sure to have your lighter with you. 10. You'll never have trouble deciding what items to get duty free. 11. Blowing smoke-rings makes you a hit at parties. 12. You can make extra money filling in at rock concerts when their smoke machine breaks down. 13. You are next in line to guide Santa's sleigh should anything happen to Rudolph. 14. You keep people in the ashtray industry employed. 15. You can safely give people 'the fingers' without anyone objecting. 16. The small holes in your clothes hearken back to the trendy "shotgun wash" days of the eighties. 17. Asking people for a "light" is a good way to pick up members of the opposite sex and you don't have to worry about your mouth smelling foul because they're smokers too. 18. You've spent all the money you would have spent on your retirement plan on cigarettes so it's probably just as well your not going to live as long as everyone else. 19. Lots of film stars smoke in movies so, therefore, by smoking you are naturally increasing your chances of becoming a film star. 20. Because if you didn't smoke you'd be tempted to go back to picking your nose, which was what you used to do to occupy your hands.